Book 1 - Chapter 3 - Furious

~April 20, 1000~

  

The library is empty. It almost always is. It is where I go when I desire to be alone. It is where I can cry and wail without worrying anybody.

 Today I wailed like never before.

Not long ago Fam and Mam, my parents, made a choice. A choice that, oh! how I disagreed!

War has come to our fair land. My parents decided they would run. Run and leave many behind to die!

 Tears seeped through my hands and fell one at a time to the floor. I try to block out my thoughts. Try to think only of the smell of books and the knowledge that the weather was lovely this day.
 Blocking thoughts, though good in theory, rarely works. At least, it doesn't work when your heart is bursting.
How could my Mam decide such things? How could Fam go along with it?
Questions, fears, and above all anger slithered through my mind at every moment. They pop all happy thoughts and banish them as my Mam does to wrongdoers.

 "Mil?"
a voice asks behind me.

Sasha.

I remain facing the bookcase. Tears continue to fall.

"What's wrong?"
she asks.

My teeth clamp down.

I hold my breath. Sasha's lavender perfume soon fills the silent room.

 Big sisters often feel they must be strong for younger siblings. In me this feeling is uncommonly strong. I put a hand over my mouth and kill the sobs rising from my chest before they can escape. I turn to her.

"What is it, Sasha?"

I ask.

"Why, Mil! You're crying, what for?"

Sasha asks. A slight smile lights her face.

"Have the boys been teasing you again?"
 

"No, no, they have not. I haven't even seen anybody but our family since... the accident,"
I say. Oh, if only she will not ask anything more! If I don't escape soon my fake cheeriness will crumble to the very foundations!
 Sasha steps closer.
"You don't have to lie. I know what happened."
 Sasha watches as I suck in breath.
"You do?"
 A nod.
"I'm so sorry. Mam and Fam said they were not going to tell you or Bella."
Sasha giggles.
"Me and Bella played spies right after it happened! It was a lot of fun until night time. Then we got real scared. Lil had to stay with us the whole night!"
 Lil... our faithful nursemaid and servant, why had she said nothing of this? I force a smile on my mouth.
"And today Fam said-"
"Fam is here?"
Sasha nods.

 Fam is here... he is supposed to be out organizing, at least a little, of the poor!
I ran, as I had not done since.. a very long time. You see, it is considered shameful for a queen's daughter to run. The eldest daughter, above all, should never run.
"You're not to run!"
Sasha whispers.
I ignore her. Fam promised me he would help the people! Has he failed me too?
My legs pump. A thrill goes through my body. It feels so... so... freeing to run!
Into the grand hall. The opulent decor fazes me not. I glance this way and that. Anger builds inside my core.
"Looking for me, Mila?"
a voice says from above.
I look up. Fam is above, watching me.

 "Fam! Where have you been?"
He chuckles. The sound drifts down.
"I had to go around to the... aureate and tell them we plan to evacuate."
 The anger is coming out. Everything goes out of focus excepting Fam.
My fists clench and unclench.

 "How dare you? Is this what you have become? The monster adviser who care only for the... the.. aureate, the rich?"
I screech.
Breathing is a challenge. Sweat drips down my face. No more tears flow.

 "You're just like Mam! Unloving and worried only about your own skin. What of all the people here? Will you evacuate them too? No! Instead you leave them to be murdered or tortured. You know what those men will do to any they catch alive!"
 Above me I can see Fam. His face has gone pale. Hands wave. Does he hope for a rope to reach out and rescue him? He does not deserve it!

"I am sick of it. It is our duty to remain true to those who live within Ponia. You have failed. If everything goes as planned the five thousand who live in the city below will be killed or taken captive. Is that what you want?"
 My glare makes him squirm.
Deep inside a thread of pleasure ties itself about me.
"Of course I don't want anyone to die but- I have to keep my family safe."
A pause.
Anger so intense it seems trapped inside paralyzes me.
Helm, Fam, continues, now that he has a chance.

"I plan to return here to get things organized. Yet I must ensure you and your Mam and siblings are safe. I would never forgive myself if any of you got killed or hurt. Your Mam plans to stay with you children along with a couple of servants. Even if we all stay... I think the people here will be fine on their own."
  The anger that chokes me rages on.
"I cannot believe you just said such things. Fine on their own? You passed laws that say they cannot own or carry weapons! They have nothing to defend themselves with! Much less know how to use said weapons."

"You know what? I quit! I quit being the queen's daughter. Know why? Because the entire family is a bunch of cowards."

 A smile flashes over my face. I have decided. All my ideals cannot possibly abide living among such people as I have discovered I am surrounded with.

 I take a last glance at Fam's face. I turn away faster than I had planned. He looks so... hurt. A prick comes into my mind.
Am I doing the correct thing? Should I make up?
No! All that I have said is true. It has been proven over and over in the last few days. My legs run. Faster and faster. Through the hall and out the door. No servants try to stop me. All halt and gape at the sight of me running.

  Our garden's fragrances fly by as I speed on.
"Find and catch my daughter, she is not in her right mind,"
I hear said just before I pass out of earshot.
My legs move faster and faster.

I aim for the forest. I will have to disguise myself soon as can be. Town... that is where I will go.
The sky has become overcast since I last looked out.
As I run my old thoughts return.
Am I mad? By running I have disowned my entire family and all my birthrights. Unwittingly I have, by law, now become one of the people my Fam and Mam do not care about.